One of the biggest questions that I got on last week’s article (read it here: Five Simple Tools for When You Face Resistance) was about perfectionism. Several asked, “How do I deal with my perfectionism holding me back in my neural retraining program?”
While we may think that perfectionistic tendencies are helping us to be better, do better, or avoid failure, the science shows that the constant stress and striving can actually keep us stuck in limbic overdrive.
Let’s start with some questions to see if perfectionism may be keeping you stuck.
- Are you your toughest critic?
- Do you often feel guilt or shame because you didn’t do enough?
- Do you often hear yourself saying (out loud or to yourself), “I should…” or “I have to…”
- Do you judge yourself at the end of your day based on what you did or didn’t accomplish?
- Do you regularly replay past failures or mistakes over and over again in your head?
- Do you procrastinate starting something because of fear of failure?
- Do you have a hard time letting your brain relax because you’re always trying to find a better way to do things?
When we’re stuck in perfectionism, the limbic system is triggered and leading the way. We’re unable to use our prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that allows us to think calmly and logically. So more often than not, when we’re stressed about being perfect we’re not capable of doing our best work or making the best decisions. This can keep us stuck in a cycle of perfectionism, judgment and shame!
Perfectionism is a way that the brain tries to protect us from failure and can lead to resistance in our neural retraining. In last week’s article (read it here: Five Simple Tools for When You Face Resistance), we talked about tools that can be helpful. But if you’re dealing with perfectionism, I’d like to add another tool.
And that tool is: Self-compassion.
Yes, it sounds counter-intuitive that self compassion is the best way to work with perfectionism but most people are at their best when they feel good about themselves.
Self compassion brings down the body’s stress chemicals and increases the feel good neurotransmitters. It not only decreases cortisol (the stress hormone), but also increases:
- Dopamine – for greater motivation
- Oxytocin – for connection and bonding
- Serotonin – increased feelings of peace and contentment
- Endorphins – reduces pain
Self compassion involves being kind and understanding toward yourself, recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, and extending the same warmth and care to yourself that you would to a good friend.
Some ways to practice greater self-compassion include:
- Take time each day to be proud of yourself. Take some time at the end of the day to find several ways to be proud of yourself. Not for being perfect, but for character traits like kindness, resilience, or allowing yourself to relax.
- Practice mindfulness. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
- Use positive affirmations to reframe critical thoughts. Say things to yourself like, “I’m doing the best that I can”, or “I deserve to speak to myself with kindness”, or “I’m proud of myself for trying”.
- Don’t wait for perfection to be proud of yourself. Be proud of yourself for attempting something new or difficult.
It’s important to remember that this skill of self compassion takes time and practice in order to become more natural. It may seem a bit uncomfortable at first, but with practice you’ll be better able to relax and let go of the stress and pressure of striving for perfection.
