One of the most powerful tools to help us rewire those old unhelpful neural patterns and bring down the stress response is self-compassion. I know it doesn’t sound flashy, but it really is one of the most effective tools that you can practice. I’ve seen over and over the power of self-compassion in both myself and in the people I work with.
So in this article we’ll explore why it’s important, how to know if you’d benefit from more self-compassion, and what are some ways that we can learn to practice it.
First, why do we need self-compassion? We all experience difficult emotions and challenges in life, and it’s easy to be hard on ourselves when things don’t go as planned. We can fall into self-criticism or self-judgment without even realizing. This can lead to negative thoughts and feelings such as shame, guilt, and self-doubt, and can trigger our stress response keeping us in a state of fight or flight.
In contrast, self-compassion involves responding with kindness, understanding, and support, even when we face difficulty or failure. It allows us to acknowledge our own suffering, accept ourselves as imperfect humans, and respond to ourselves with warmth and care. It allows us to relax our nervous system and to access a state of rest, healing, and safety.
How can we know if we would benefit from more self-compassion? Here are some things to look out for:
- Self-criticism: People who lack self-compassion often have a harsh inner critic that judges and criticizes themselves for their perceived flaws, mistakes and failures. They may use negative self-talk and compare themselves unfavorably to others.
- Self-isolation: A lack of self-compassion can lead to feelings of shame and unworthiness, which may cause people to withdraw from others and avoid social situations.
- Self-doubt: People who lack self-compassion may struggle with self-doubt and a lack of confidence in their abilities. They may fear failure and avoid taking risks or pursuing their goals.
- Comparison: When we lack self-compassion, we’re more likely to compare ourselves unfavorably to others, especially those who we perceive as more successful, attractive, or accomplished than we are.
- Perfectionism: A lack of self-compassion can contribute to perfectionism, as people may feel the need to constantly strive for perfection to avoid criticism and failure.
- Physical and emotional symptoms: A lack of self-compassion can also show up in physical symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, or muscle tension, as well as emotional symptoms such as anxiety and depression.
So what is self-compassion?
Simply put, it’s treating ourselves with the same kindness, care and understanding that we would offer to a good friend who’s going through a tough time. It involves acknowledging our own difficulty, accepting ourselves as imperfect humans, and responding to ourselves with warmth and support.
Self-compassion is an on-going practice and can take time and effort to develop. Here are a few practical exercises to help you to put self-compassion into practice.
- When you notice yourself caught up in self-criticism or self-judgment, take a moment to pause, breathe, and acknowledge that you are in a difficult spot. Say to yourself, “May I be kind to myself right now”, or “May I accept myself as I am”, or May I give myself the compassion that I need right now”.
- Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of a compassionate caring friend. Offer words of support and encouragement to yourself.
- Perhaps you can think of a good friend who has been in a similar situation. Think about how you would support them – what would you say or do? How can you support yourself in the same way?
- Have an honest talk with a good friend about your difficulty. Really listen to the compassion and heart that they have for you. How can you really take that compassion in and treat yourself in the same way they treat you?
And again, remember that self-compassion is a practice. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you cultivate this skill.