You’ve probably heard that we should have a healthy self-love, but really, what does that mean?
Often self-love can be confused with narcissism, which is the thinking of I am perfect, or I deserve everything to go just the way I want. Healthy self-love is definitely NOT narcissism. Nor is it selfishness, self focused, or being self consumed.
Self-love is that small voice in the back of your head that is always looking out for what is best for you in the long term. It may be letting you know that it’s ok to slow down and rest for a while, to lean into joy and connection with a friend, or just to find some stillness. However, self-care isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes it means making the difficult choices to prioritize personalize needs like rest, play, or quiet introspection.
It’s like giving yourself the perfect parent – wise, warm, and gentle. Or being your own best friend when you’ve made a mistake or are feeling difficult emotions. You’re able to validate those feelings with compassion and love, instead of pointing out what you did wrong. It allows you to let go of judgement and harsh criticism. But it can also involve the tough, honest truth. Self-love may come in the form of setting difficult boundaries in relationships, or finding the courage to express your truth even when it may not be met with acceptance.
Often it’s our limbic system, the fight/flight/freeze alarm system of the brain, that gets in the way of our self-love. That limbic brain is working hard to keep us safe from failure, judgement and criticism from others, and rejection from those around us. In it’s misguided efforts to keep us safe, it overreacts and can get us stuck in a fear loop. When that limbic system is guiding our thoughts and behaviors, there’s no room for self-love. We get caught up in thoughts of judgement, feelings of being unlovable, or the competition to prove ourselves worthy, so that it becomes unsafe to relax and rest.
The good news is that we don’t have to engage with those triggering thoughts. We can thank our limbic brain for bringing them to our attention, remind our limbic that we’re safe, and let them go. We have the ability to choose what we focus on – fear and judgement, or acceptance and self-love.
So take a moment today to thank your limbic brain for all the work it’s been doing, and allow it to relax. Take a few deep breaths and consider, “I’m curious what it looks like to love myself, and feel worthy and enough and loved, and 100% safe being that way.”
Then just listen.
