It’s mid-November and we’re already full swing into the holiday season. Thanksgiving is next week, and all the Christmas ads, store decorations, and pressures are already everywhere you look. I don’t know about you, but I’m already starting to feel the pressure. We can get so many of those accusing voices in our heads –
I’m a bad mom because I’m not doing enough.
My friend will be mad if I don’t go to her event.
But I *have to* think of and buy all the right gifts for everybody.
If I don’t do this, I’m a failure as a mom, wife, friend…
And the list goes on and on…
Just knowing what’s up ahead can be daunting – all the busyness of prepping for parties and get-togethers, the chauffeuring the kids to all of their events, and especially knowing that no matter how well we plan, something will always happen last minute to throw things off and add to the stress – someone will get sick, an unexpected event, or a misplaced gift. No matter how hard we try, we can’t plan for everything, and something is bound to happen to throw things off.
And then there’s the stress of knowing that we’re completely overbooked and drowning, but not knowing what to do about it. I can know in advance that I’m not physically capable of doing all that’s expected, but in denial about how I’m going to maneuver through it all.
This year can be different. Think back to those years long ago when the holiday season was full of connecting with friends and relaxing with family, instead of stressing to make sure everything was “perfect” (which of course, it never will be).
So here’s what I’m doing this year to think ahead and plan for a relaxed, meaningful holiday season. It won’t happen by accident – it takes some intention and some planning.
Honest evaluation
First, write down all of your commitments. And not just yours, but for the rest of the family (because you know that you’ll be doing the gift shopping, baking, and driving!). Everything. Include addressing and sending holiday cards, cookie making, baking, shopping, decorating.
Now evaluate the cost of everything on that list. Of course, there’s the financial cost, but there’s much more than just that. First, be reasonable about time commitments. Keep in mind that some events require more time than just attending the event (take into account preparation, travel, etc). Now think about energy. This one is hard. Each commitment takes a certain amount of energy, and honestly, it will most likely take more than we think it will. Lastly, think about the stress level. A trip to grumpy old Uncle Bart’s house will be very different than going caroling in the neighborhood with the kids.
Now evaluate the benefits of each commitment. Be honest here. Rather than accept invitations because “I should”, or “but I’ve always done it”, or “but I have to”, take some time to evaluate each event with fresh eyes. Is it an opportunity to give to others, or perhaps a time where I can connect with a friend. Whatever it is, think it through ahead of time. Unfortunately, we can’t be everywhere or do everything that we’d like to do, so know why you’re there so you don’t get sucked into just surviving another event because it was what you do every year. Be intentional in your decisions and decide to enjoy this holiday season.
Look at the overall calendar and see what’s left. Is it manageable? Do you have the money, time, energy, and stress level to be able to handle it all? What changes can you make? What about just buying cookies this year for the kids’ school party instead of spending a few hours baking them?
And most importantly, have you set time aside for the people who really matter? Honestly, it’s so easy to get caught up in the holiday doings that we forget the people who matter the most. We can fall into the trap of doing “things” instead of connecting with people. First and foremost, make sure you’ve set aside times to take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Whether this means going for walks with a friend, getting your hair done, or time each day for prayer, meditation, or gratitude journaling. Whatever it is that keeps you inspired and engaged, it needs to be a priority. Remember, if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. You’re emotional level sets the tone for the whole family so take care of yourself first.
Next, make sure that you have connection times with each family member – significant other, kids, parents, whoever is important in your life. It’s so easy to get caught up in the busyness and forget to connect.
Be realistic about your limitations, whatever they are. This can be hard. We can feel the social pressure (and quite often our own internal perfectionist pressure!) to go to all the events, decorate the house just right, and have the perfect gift for each person. We know that isn’t the meaning of the holidays, but it’s easy to get caught up in it anyway.
So go for quality rather than quantity. When we feel the pressure to do everything well, we actually end up doing nothing well, and we walk away from the holiday season disappointed and empty. We’re attending this party, but worrying about the next party. We’re at the kids’ performances, but stressing about shopping for their classroom gift exchange. Instead, pick a few events that you can be fully present for, enjoy, and connect with. Set yourself up for being able to enjoy the holiday season.
Truthful communication
Check in with those around you. Communicate what you’re thinking. Start with your family. Ask each person what are the one or two things that are most meaningful this holiday season – you may be surprised at their answer. They may not be as excited about the trip to the mall to see Santa as you thought they were. They may be more looking forward to your annual caroling at the retirement home. Ask your spouse how important it is if you go to the work party. He may just be more wanting to spend a quiet evening watching a movie and slowing down together.
Then be sure to communicate with friends and family to let them know you’ll be making some changes. Don’t just ditch the party – call beforehand and let them know how much they mean to you, but it just won’t work this year. Most people will understand. Yes, some people will be disappointed, and maybe downright mad. But when you’re true to yourself and your needs, those who love you will accept and respect your boundaries. It may just free them up as well.
Flexible implementation
We obviously can’t plan for everything, and the unexpected will always happen. Someone gets sick, you forgot to buy a special gift, or you forgot to write down an event. Keep flexible and readjust as needed. Just be careful not to fall into the trap of adding back in the things that you already dropped just because someone pressures you, or you feel bad. Stay strong on these things! Be sure to protect your family’s mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.
And of course, realize that January 1st is not the end of the world. Not everything has to happen during the weeks leading up to Christmas. You can always plan ahead to meet with people in the new year when things settle down a bit. In fact, many people will appreciate it because they too are feeling the pressures of the holiday season.
How do you plan to evaluate, communicate, and implement this holiday season? I’d love to hear from you! And let me know if you need some help in working through these challenging area – I’d be happy to set up a time to meet with you and talk.
