This is a continuation from last week’s article, The Journey Towards Acceptance. As we’ve talked about, limbic dysfunction can contribute to physical symptoms. This week we’ll look at the ways we resist acceptance and how it impacts our physical and emotional wellbeing.
For years, I fought acceptance. I figured if I didn’t think of the past, and just worked hard enough to be able to control the future, everything would turn out perfect. Needless to say, that didn’t work very well.
I became the queen of control – I had a plan for every possible thing that could happen. I was on top of every situation and had a list for every possibility. I didn’t have the time to relax and enjoy because I was so stressed about needing things to go the way that I thought they needed to go. This wasn’t entirely out of greed, laziness, or selfishness. Most of it was because I had limited energy and I truly believed that the more I was in control of situations, the more I could control my energy output. I honestly believed that this allowed me to get more done, and, having three kids while dealing with my health challenges as well as theirs, seemed the best way to handle life.
I had never considered the amount of stress that comes along with all that controlling, not to mention the overwhelming stress of fearing what would happen in the future if I didn’t control things. And then there was the guilt, hurts, and resentments from the past that, since I hadn’t worked through them, would appear and throw me into hopelessness. As that stress continued to snowball over the years, my limbic system, already damaged due to Lyme, chemical, and mold exposure, became so overreactive that my symptoms became unmanageable. I became homebound and had to start accepting the fact that I just can’t control the world around me. It took almost a year of neural retraining (see my story here) to bring down my damaged limbic system, to rewire my brain to be able to let go of my symptoms, and to begin to accept my life exactly how it was. Once I did that, I was able to have the joy, peace, and gratitude that I’d been searching for all along.
Acceptance is a state of mind, but it’s not an instant moment where we “arrive”. It’s more of a journey rather than a destination. Just when we think we’ve got it down, we realize that we still have many more layers to peel back. This isn’t anything to be self- judgmental about. Think of it more as just an opportunity to go deeper.
As long as we’re holding on to past hurts and future anxieties, we’re not able to accept the present. If we continue to fight acceptance, we’re causing ourselves undue pain and so much unneeded stress. It saps our energy, takes away from being able to enjoy the present moment, and doesn’t allow us to grow to be able to handle all the wonderful adventures that the future has in store for us. As we’ve talked about, all these stressors most likely didn’t cause our health issues, but they’ve probably contributed to the limbic damage and the intensifying of symptoms that have occurred.
Acceptance is both a process of letting go of that which we no longer want in our lives, as much as it is a process of accepting with open arms what the future has waiting for us. Acceptance begins with letting go of:
Letting go of control. Our brain is naturally wired to look for possible threats, and it’s so easy to give in to those thoughts of all of the fearful things that could happen. We think that by controlling our lives for all the possible things that could go wrong, we’ll be safe and happy. There are times in our life that the thought of the future can be so overwhelming or so scary that we think it’s too painful to face it, so we just try to avoid thinking about it. We start to try to control our spouse, the kids, and our co-workers, all out of fear of what might happen. We rationalize that we’re just doing our best to plan ahead, trying to help out, or that we’re just trying to be prepared. But the fear and desperation of trying to control our lives and the lives of those around us is an ever increasing loop that just gets deeper and deeper. The fear and the exhaustion trigger our limbic system into a constant state of stress.
Letting go of attachment to how things “should be”. We often get caught up in assumptions of how our lives “should be” without really thinking about it. We have the expectation that our lives should be smooth. We work hard to build a life that’s steady, safe, and secure, and “change” becomes the enemy. However, change is inevitable, and no matter how well we plan, unexpected things just happen. When those things do happen, we fall into depression, blaming, and panic. Life is naturally full of ups and downs so when we have these attachments to the way things “should be”, we’re setting ourselves up for emotional upheaval, which triggers our limbic system. This constant release of stress hormones can cause so much anxiety and discontent in every area in our lives, not only in the short term but in the long term as well.
Letting go of judgment. Face it, as a society we’re really good at judgment. Our current political culture breeds the us-versus-them mentality. Our parenting is constantly judged, as well as our romantic relationships, financial success, and work competency. We hate the feeling of being judged – it triggers our defenses so we often feel the need to protect ourselves by attacking and judging others, whether in real life or in our heads. So not only are we the recipient of unfair judgment, but we also go on the offensive, judging others so we can feel better about ourselves. Again, this triggers our fight/flight limbic system and gets us caught up in a storm of stress chemicals.
Letting go of how I look to other people. Rather than accept life as it is, warts and all, we can strive to look good to other people and win their approval. This lays a tremendous burden on us to perfect our appearance and perform better. This is especially true our age of social media. The stress can become unbearable. It’s only when we can accept ourselves for who we truly are, we have the ability to truly relax and enjoy our lives.
Letting go of past hurts. Lack of forgiveness hurts us more than it hurts the person who did the original deed. We’ve heard that before, but it can be so hard to let go. Yes, it would be so great if we could undo what happened (not to minimize the severity of past events), but the fact is that nothing we do right now can change the event. Only when we accept that it happened are we able to move forward toward healing. Until then, we will continue to relive the event over and over again in our mind. This keeps the limbic system engaged in fight/flight mode, and all the stress chemicals continue in our body.
Letting go of past guilt, shame, and regrets. Not only do we need to let go of the failings of others, but also those of ourselves. For some of us, over and over again during every waking moment, our inner critic spews negative judgments at us. Life becomes one giant hurdle, with each day becoming more overwhelming than the last. Again, when we hold on to these events and continue to beat ourselves up, we are unable to move out of the stress of defense mode, and into the relaxation mode.
Acceptance is definitely a journey that doesn’t happen overnight. It takes strength and courage to face many of these past hurts and future fears, but as long as we hold on to them our limbic system will continue to be on alert, keeping us in fight/flight mode. As long as we’re stuck here, we will find it difficult if not impossible to move past the physical, mental, and emotional hurdles that we find ourselves stuck in. It’s not that we need to “arrive” at perfection, but just beginning to take steps can create the beginnings of change.
Need help digging deeper into these areas? Feel free to contact me. I’d love to talk. Each of these areas are areas that I’ve been dealing with in my own journey to wellness. Acceptance takes focus and work, but the result both physically and emotionally is so worth the investment.
