Life is a constant adventure. It has its difficult moments as well as its mountain top experiences. But unfortunately, it’s the difficulties that seem to weigh so much on us, especially when things are so different than what we’d wanted or expected our life to be.
We’ve heard it over and over again – acceptance is the key. But when you’re in the middle of the mess, the word “acceptance” can bring up so many thoughts – submission, defeat, or failure – none of which is desirable. But is that really what it means? Or is that just the meaning we’ve given it?
Acceptance is defined as the act of taking or receiving something offered. That’s it. Receiving what’s been given to us. No judgement. No defeat. No failure.
When we accept our lives the way they are, we are acknowledging things just as they are right now. This is today’s starting point. This mindset empowers us to start each day fresh, without carrying the burdens of yesterday, and without the stress of trying to predict and plan for every possible future unknown.
Think of getting ready to go on a journey. You pull out a map and circle your destination, let’s say Kansas City. The first thing you need to do is to determine where you are in relation to your desired destination. If you’re starting out in San Francisco, you now know that you will be traveling east. Next you can plan what turns to make along the way, and possible towns for meals and lodging. There may be some detours, but as long as you know your starting place you’re able to plan your course corrections along the way and successfully navigate towards your destination.
But let’s say that you’re starting out in New York. No matter how hard you try, traveling east will not get you to Kansas City. In fact, you will lose a lot of time and energy because no matter how hard you try, Kansas City will never appear on your current route. You will end up confused, going in circles, and frustrated. You’ll probably just end up stuck in your current location with no idea of what to do next.
The same thing happens when we fight acceptance. Regardless of how we got here or how we feel about being here, it’s only when we accept that we are here in this present moment that we are able to move forward in our lives. But how do we do that?
First, this entails letting go of our feelings about how we got here. If we’re dealing with some difficult circumstances, we may want to blame ourselves or others, argue about how it’s not fair, or fix the problem that got us here. When we fight against acceptance, we’re communicating to our limbic system that our current situation is not safe. The limbic system then releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline to help us to deal with the (imaginary) threat. Once in that fight/flight mode, we may develop physical symptoms or we may experience anxiety, stress, and/or depression. Much of our energy and many of our resources are routed towards survival (see What is Neural Retraining). It’s only when we’re able to let go of the past and accept that we are in this place today – no judgement, no shame, no fighting – then we are able allow the limbic system to relax, release the healing neurotransmitters, and rewire our brain towards wellness.
Next, in order to embrace acceptance, we also have to let go of controlling the future. This is a hard one for me. When we give in to the fears, anxieties, and worries of all that could possibly go wrong tomorrow, next week, or next year, we are once again communicating to our limbic system that we’re in danger. What if things don’t go the way I’ve planned? Instead of worry or anxiety, we need to accept that although some future experiences may be uncomfortable or inconvenient, we can be flexible and resilient. We can definitely make plans, but it’s only with acceptance can we relax and enjoy a future that’s beyond our control. It’s definitely a paradox – I have goals and ambitions, but I let go of trying to control outcomes along the way.
Mindfulness, meditations, visualizations, yoga, tapping (EFT, FasterEFT), hypnosis, and journaling are just some of the tools that we can use to move through resistance and into acceptance. Not every tool is a right match for every person, so I work to create a coaching program that is unique to each person. I offer a free getting-to-know-each-other session for potential clients so we can brainstorm and explore which tools can be most effective. If you’re interested in working together, feel free to contact me. I’d love to hear from you.
Once we let go of the past and release trying to control the future, all that is left is this moment. Acceptance is the act of receiving this present moment. This is my beginning place for the rest of my journey. I can completely relax in this moment knowing that there is nothing to be afraid of or to control. Whatever my destination, I accept that right here is where I am starting.
