In a few weeks I will be going to an event with acquaintances who I haven’t seen in about 4 years. I know there will be the usual exchange of pleasantries, “So good to see you!”, “What are your kids up to these days?”, and of course, the dreaded, “How are you doing?”
Now to most people this isn’t a big deal, but a lot has changed in the past 4 years. My Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has limited my energy to the point that I had to quit my business. And honestly, there have been days that I’ve not left the house at all (or showered or changed out of my jammies) due to fatigue and pain (see my story here). It’s quite a difference from the higher energy person they once knew.
My health has definitely changed, but so have I. I’ve become a whole lot wiser, stronger, braver, and more confident. I’ve learned how to prioritize my very limited time and energy, how to get by on much less sleep than I ever thought possible, and how to function when in a lot of pain. How do I answer that in a quick one sentence answer? Does anybody really want the whole truth?
Needless to say, I’ve really been thinking about this. I don’t mind talking about my health if someone is really wanting to know, but generally a quick, “How are you?” is not an invitation to share my whole story. Most people are uncomfortable listening to health problems. And even if I could boil it down to a quick one sentence answer, I don’t think that, “I have a horrible headache, I feel like I’d rather crawl into the closet and take a nap, and your perfume is making me want to throw up” is quite the answer I want to give either. So I’ve been thinking about what is an honest answer that doesn’t push people away or completely derail the conversation into everybody comparing the aches and pains of aging, but still tells the truth and allows me to connect with my old friends.
So, really, how am I? Well, I’m happy in my life and family. I’m fulfilled with my occasional volunteer role as a park docent. I’m encouraged by my close friendships. And I’m faithful and grateful in my spiritual life.
Do I still have my aches and pains? Yes. Do I still have to severely limit my activities because of my fatigue? Absolutely. Do I still have to deal with discouragement and let-down when I have to miss a special event, or when I head into a relapse? You bet. And that list of challenges goes on and on.
My physical limitations do define much of what I am able to do during any given day, but I’m so much more than what I “do”. And I am definitely not my diagnoses. I am a brave, strong, faithful, devoted woman who is tackling life every day and finding as much joy in each day as I possibly can. I am making the most of every possible opportunity that comes my way. I look forward to the newness of every day, even if my day isn’t what most people would call typical. And I’m focusing on the possibility of good stuff that’s up ahead instead of dwelling on what I don’t have.
Women (and men) with chronic illnesses are some of the strongest people on the planet, so why is it that we feel like when someone asks how we are, that we’ve become limited to talking about what’s going wrong, or how hard things are? And I get that. It’s true and most of the people we interact with
have no idea of what we go through on most days just to get out of the house. But I think we ourselves need to change the narrative and start focusing on so much more than the limitations and disappointments, and start appreciating what we’ve become. It’s not a life that we asked for, and one that we wouldn’t wish on anyone else, but I think it’s time to show the world that we are strong overcomers who are determined to take care of ourselves and to look out for each other.
So, I’m still left with the question I started out with – “How are you doing?”
I’m still thinking that there are lots of honest answers, but it’s really up to me to choose what I want to focus on. I could go with “I’ve been really sick and I’m fed up” or I could share that “I’m overcoming lots of pain, disappointments, and let downs”, or maybe “I’m continually amazed with my ability to bounce back no matter what new symptoms life throws at me”. But I’m thinking that, “I’m doing great” is the best and most honest answer that I can come up with. I really like that.
